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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28905489">Cminal Rinds</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sentient_Stove/pseuds/Sentient_Stove'>Sentient_Stove</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Sanders Sides One Shots 2: Electric Boogaloo [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Sanders Sides (Web Series)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Astrozone named it, M/M, So yeah, and so I wrote this, and well i got bored of the show, but i go bored and gave up like a quarter way through, i was watching crininal minds, im proud of him, it satified my need to kill virgil, loosely criminal minds based, maybe ill go back and watch it again, not my best work, oh no not me hurting virgil again, so it did it's job</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 10:53:09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,125</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28905489</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sentient_Stove/pseuds/Sentient_Stove</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>criminal minds au that plays off of all the stereotypes and has no actual research other than the name of the bath and body works candle actually existing.<br/>reads like a crack fic and has a wackass ending because I was talking with my discord while writing this and it derailed the invisible plot.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Logic | Logan Sanders</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Sanders Sides One Shots 2: Electric Boogaloo [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2100705</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>15</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Cminal Rinds</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Me: what should I write<br/>Angst brain: kill virgil again<br/>Me: W H A T?<br/>Angst brain: come on, you know you want it.<br/>Me: No, I just want to write soft analogical<br/>Angst brain: you could have him get abducted and then have remy be the profiler for the case<br/>Me: Is this because I started watching criminal minds?<br/>Angst brain: maybe...<br/>Me: I really fucking hate you.<br/>Angst brain: Virgil could work at bath and body works with Roman<br/>Me:  You know what, sold.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“Everyone says that this candle smells like some fictional dude, but honestly I couldn’t care less.”  Virgil said to Roman as he wrapped said candle in cellophane and unceremoniously dropped it into the thirteen year old girl’s bag that had bought it.  His co-worker laughed and shrugged from his register.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Maybe they just want to feel special.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The only good candle here is  Sweater Weather anyways.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re only saying that because Lo said so.”  Roman quipped back as Virgil blushed and looked down.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re a simp Tempesta-Sanders, and I can’t save you.”  Roman handed someone their credit card back.  “Have a nice day.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Roman winked at them and they blushed before leaving, making it so that the store finally had a lull of traffic for the first time that morning.  Roman turned so he could face Virgil better.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How is Lo doing nowadays?  He doesn’t really come hang out as much.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Virgil shrugged.  “He’s busy, writing, wandering around and muttering about stars and space.  Just people recognize him more for it.  Same old life.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Does he still walk into cars while reading?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank god no.  We managed to agree that he’s not allowed to read and walk.”  Virgil shook his head.  “He’s gonna get kidnapped by some crazy fan one of these days, I swear.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span> Roman snickered and shook his head.  “He’d bore them to death with talking.  I don’t know how he managed to get you as a boyfriend.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Virgil shrugged.  “I’m going to go take my break out back.  If people start filling in, come get me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Kay, love yah Emo.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Virgil stuck out his tongue and walked to the back, opening the door to the alley behind the store and slipping out, leaving Roman and the greeter to manage the place.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He never came back in.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>…</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Logan was sitting in his home office, staring helplessly at the mess when Roman called, giving him ample distraction from the mess.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Roman.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey Lo man.  Did Virgil go to your place?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, he left for work this morning and I haven’t seen him since.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What’s wrong Roman.”  Logan sat up straight and stood after a moment when Roman didn’t respond.   </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Uh, he went on break and he said to get him if it got busy, but when I went out he wasn’t there, so I assumed that he just… dipped and went home.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, Virgil would never do that.  And we moved in together a few days ago, he’d call.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You moved in? Aw, that’s adorable. Took you two long enough”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Roman, concentrate.” Logan snapped.  “I’m going to call him and if he doesn’t answer, I’ll call you back.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Logan hung up and dialed Virgil’s number, fingers shaking.  It was fine, everything was fine, it was probably just a fluke that he forgot he still had work.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>No answer.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He called again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nothing.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Logan ignored the knock at the door instead calling Roman again.  It was just another amazon package, he could get it in a minute.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Heyo, he answer?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll call him.”  Roman promised, hanging up without a goodbye.  Logan slipped his phone into his pocket and went to the door.  Might as well grab that package.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He opened the door and grabbed the box, looking at it.  Unlabeled and it didn’t look like an amazon box, but then again, the last time he ordered something the box had to have his name stripped off it so it didn’t get stolen.  Logan brought it in and placed it on the counter, grabbing a knife from the block to cut through the tape.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Virgil’s ringtone for Roman came from inside the box.   Logan froze.   It went for a few more seconds before stopping and immediately right after, Logan’s phone buzzed from his pocket.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He didn’t answer.”  Roman said once Logan picked up.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know.  Someone just dropped the phone off at my house.”  Logan whispered in horror as he opened the box and pulled out the device.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m calling the police.”  Roman said quickly, but Logan shook his head, even though he knew the other couldn’t see it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Roman, get off your shift and get over here, I’ll call them.”  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>…</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remy got out of the car and slammed the door, wincing when it didn’t shut.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Stupid piece of sh--”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“HEY!”  One of his coworkers got out of the other side, grinning widely at him.  “Do you wanna lose another five dollars to the jar?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, but I’m sick of driving in cheap cars.” Remy mumbled.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We got here on a private jet.” Another coworker argued as he got out of his seat and winked at Remy.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fair enough.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The three of them walked up to the house and Remy knocked, only to have it opened by a police officer.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s not receiving guests.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh darling, we’re FBI.”  Remy opened his wallet and flashed his id.  “You got sent the d-list profilers.  Can we come in?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The officer stood to the side and Remy breezed past him as he entered the house, taking in the open hallway and the sheer amount of windows.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Damn, there’s a lot of natural lighting here.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Remy.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remy sighed and passed five dollars back.  “I swear to… nevermind.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They entered the kitchen and Remy instantly recognized Logan, who was surrounded by a few other police officers, all of them talking quietly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hello, yes I’m here with the crew.”  Remy gestured to the two behind him.  “This is Patton and Emile, we were called down here to help you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Logan broke off his conversion to extend a hand to him.  “Thank you for coming down and I’m sorry for the inconvenience.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nah, it’s my job and finding your boyfriend is currently our top priority.” Remy smiled.  “You’ll get to see him again.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He didn’t specify if it was going to be with both of them alive.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>…</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think it’s that one guy that abducts and tortures famous people’s significant others.”  Patton said calmly as he turned over the box that had been dropped off at Logan’s house.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why?”  Emile asked as he looked up from his laptop.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The taping and how the box was folded is part of their signature.  Not to mention, there's only one person who sends back stuff in this state that we haven’t caught yet.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So we only have like sixteen more hours if you’re right.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Patton nodded.  “I know.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Emile shot a look at Logan and Remy, who were in deep conversation.  “We need to let Rem know, but not try to ruin.. You know.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah.  God, I wish Remus was here.  He’d figure it out.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, he took the vacation to see his brother, not our job to drag him over when a job comes up.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>There was another knock and the pair looked up as the sound of the door opening quieted the people in the room.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck, I hope this is the right house.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Patton’s jaw dropped.   He turned to look at Remy.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Is that?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Roman came around the corner, still dressed for work.  “Sorry Lo, I always forget which house is yours.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Roman, knock next time.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You sound like one of our coworkers.”  Patton blurted out.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Roman looked at him.  “Oh, thanks!  You look like someone my brother talks about a lot.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What’s his name?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Remus.  He came to visit for a few days.  I think he’s downtown somewhere. Ran off this morning and didn’t come back, which is normal, he’ll show up tomorrow lookin like a drowned rat.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remy blinked.  “Well, could we get him back?  He’s one of the best profilers we have.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?  My brother’s a lot of things, but FBI isn’t one of them.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, we found him at three am outside the building and adopted him basically.  He’s got a nifty habit of somehow being able to roleplay whatever sicko we try to catch.  He’s saved our asses on quite a few occasions.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Roman looked at the three of them like they were crazy.  “He never told me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You do realize that he literally doesn’t care.”  Emile said humorously.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And some parts are illegal.”  Remy grumbled.  “Can you get him over here?  Say that Patton’s here, he’ll come.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay?”  Roman pulled out his phone, clicked a few buttons and pressed it to his ear.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Trash man, get your ass over to Lo’s.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>There was a muffled response.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Some guy named Patton’s here from the FBI.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A muffled yell of excitement.  Roman cringed and pulled the phone away from his ear before putting it back.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, yeah, hurry up.  Hate you too, no it’s not a prank.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Roman hung up and turned to the group.  “Remus will be here in about a minute.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>No one questioned it.  Remus was weird that way.  He could be in a different state and somehow show up where he was needed by sheer luck.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sure enough, about forty five seconds later, Remus was crawling in through the kitchen window, much to the surprise of Logan and no one else.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hi boss!  Whatcha doing here?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Logan’s boyfriend was abducted and we needed you here.” Roman explained before Remy could jump in with some drawn out explanation. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oooh, nifty!  What does he look like?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Purple and emo, in a bath and body works apron because we were at work.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“If he’s,” Remus pointed at Logan as he got comfortable in the sink, “that guy’s boyfriend, why does he have a job in retail?  Isn’t he like a stupid rich script writer?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Logan turned to Remus.  “Get out of my sink.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll replace your kneecaps with cardboard.”  Logan said calmly.  Remus paused, smirked and got out.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I like this one!  So why does he work retail?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s stubborn and likes candles.  No other reason.  Even after I offered to help pay for groceries so he could get a job he liked, he still said no.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus nodded.  “I think I know where he is.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remy sighed.  “Remus…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I ran into a wacko downtown okay?  And you know me, he fits the profile of the S.O. Snapper.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“ don’t call him that.  It feeds into his fantasy Remus.  </span>
  <em>
    <span>And </span>
  </em>
  <span>you didn’t think to call anyone?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I was on vacation!”  Remus complained.  “And you know that I don’t mix work and play!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Remus.”  Remy hissed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus immediately calmed.  “Apartment 2834 on Broad Street and Higersa.  It’s right above the Rio’s bar.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you.”  Remy looked at the group.  “Remus, Emile, you come with me and a few police, Patton, you stay here with everyone else.  No, civilians can’t come before you ask.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Logan discreetly shut his mouth.  Patton shot him a sympathetic look.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, I’ll contact you Pat if we find him.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>…</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus knelt down and lifted the blindfold.  Virgil flinched back, but his eyes remained firmly shut even as Remus gently untied his hands.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, he’s in here!  I got him!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remy and Emile both came in, and Emile paused by the door.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Is he okay?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus looked back to Virgil.  “Virgil?  We’re part of the FBI, you’re safe now, you can open your eyes.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Virgil shook his head.  “Bleach.  In my eyes.  Hurts to open them.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Emile held back a sharp breath.  “He needs a hospital </span>
  <em>
    <span>now</span>
  </em>
  <span>.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Remus gripped Virgil’s wrist.  “Did he do anything else to you?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A head shake.  Remus loosened his grip.  “Thank god.  We’re going to get some paramedics up here okay?  Just hang tight for a minute.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Virgil laughed hoarsely. “Yeah, I’ve been doing that for hours.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s the spirit!”  Remus said excitedly.  Virgil tilted his head towards him.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You sound like someone I work with.  He’s nice.”  Virgil’s eyes tried to open, but he shut them before he could make it far, tears slipping out from the pain.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s sweet.  Keep talking for me, okay Virgil?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Emile and Remy moved aside as a pair of paramedics came into the room, a stretcher between them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As they were loading him on, Virgil’s hand shot out to grab Remus’.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Tell my husband I’m okay?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Virgil let go, the stretcher was lifted and carried out and the three FBI agents stared at each other before Remy turned to Emile.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So, head back?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>…</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Luckily Virgil wasn’t hurt past the bleach in his eyes.  Unluckily, he was permanently blind and needed to be hospitalized for a few weeks so he could be monitored.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Unluckily, he also had to deal with Roman ranting about how he hadn't been invited to the wedding.   It took Virgil three hours to explain that he and Logan had simply gone down to the courthouse and filed for marriage, because he thought that weddings were outdated pageantry and Logan didn’t care either way.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Roman still planned a reception.   Virgil and Logan didn’t show up.  At least Roman had a cake for himself.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>i hope you enjoyed!  Also, I just... lost inspiration for almost a week straight, I'm sorry.  But I'm back and I'm about halfway done with my 2021 big bang fic for this fandom so... nice.<br/>-emile/ky</p></blockquote></div></div>
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